I’m not working on a recruiter’s timeline, but my own. My brain is an unruly labyrinth; there’s no cookie-cutter, 4.0 GPA linear progression. I could’ve started this journey a year or two ago, but I didn’t. Instead, I hid behind optimized plans, procrastination, and prevarications, losing faith and trust in my ability to follow through. Realistically, I would like a job upon graduation, yet I also recall breaking down in front of professors at a networking event, blubbering, “It’s not just a job, and thank you for reminding me that, because it’s so easy to forget”. redact a job and redact a company, even if it’s just a means to an end, there’s still something inexplicably intimate about how one divides and haggles over the hours of their day. Career titles and accolades let you rest on your laurels, but it’s the persistent labour that grafts to the soul.

I won’t delude myself into thinking LeetCode and DSA will make me a skilled developer; it’s only a small part of the craft and trade. But it will strengthen my focus and problem-solving skills, make me feel confident, competent, and capable. I want to take something that makes me feel so small and insecure, something I belaboured as my Achilles heel, and turn it into a lethal weapon. If it’s effortful, not enough, and difficult, then I’m doing it “right”. If I’m as voracious, hungry, and insatiable as I believe, then let the active pursuit of knowledge, movement, and action rip forth from my chest. I can’t rationalize my way into being a skilled software engineer or who I want to be as a person- how I live, spend my time, and navigate the world. Action, action, action, action, and action always take precedence over dreams, comparisons, and fantasies. It’s like when I started working out. Trepidation, uncertainty, and disdain for suboptimal plans impeded me. But once I accepted the hand I’d been dealt and my unique circumstances, I slowly progressed and had the opportunity to iterate on my rudimentary regimen naturally every time I hit a ceiling. I just needed to start imperfectly. Knowledge is in the grain of the wood, the layers of varnish, time, and memory, but it first needed to grow roots. I want to muster the courage to apply, interview, fail playfully, and prove to myself I CAN DO IT.

I’m aware that I’m overthinking it, letting every thought become a referendum on my identity, each action unravelling into 5-year plans that died before they took a single breath; classic analysis paralysis and a sophisticated, high-functioning form of procrastination.

I can taste the bloody metallic tang of liberation which comes with being a well-honed cog, teeth grinding rhythmically in the intricate machinations of the workforce. I want to do good work and let the code speak for itself, as lofty as it sounds. To stop wallowing in self-pity and self-flagellation. I want to fight, I want to wring every drop of potential from my veins and let the energy circulate. Break the cyclic patterns of vice and self-sabotage. The past and future have no bearing on the NOW. I want to be proud of myself. I will take action simply because I fucking can. I can’t continue to grieve lost time and be the architect of my own suffering. Ultimately, it’s presumptuous of me to think life was meant to be any other way, because who’s promised anything like that? 5 months from now, I want to evolve and transcend to a plane with new problems. Compare myself to myself and seek the fruits borne from sustained, adaptive, and incremental effort. I’m trying to confront the dissonance brewing within and the fear of burning myself time and time again without even putting my hand on the stove. So… will I finally keep my promises?